Office Ruminations
by Abyssinian
Summary: Private thoughts of House. Stacy flashback. Thoughts touching lightly on Cameron.


Then he's something else.

His chin rests on the long wooden stick, planted firmly on the floor, moving a bit in a nonexistant wind. Unconsciously his body is rotating with the earth. A slight weave as his eyes bore into the words he wrote. He's not looking for an answer. I told you. He _knows_ the answer. And House is House. He's got to have it his way. He's _always_ right.

_She's gonna die._

Boring.

...If boring meant staying up late at night, unable to sleep. Not because of insomnia. But because of guilt. It's not his fault. But he thinks so anyway.

A pause in office ruminations. Eyes flicker to the door, waiting for an unknown person. Cameron Stacy Wilson Cuddy Foreman Chase, the list could go on and on. Shifting slightly in the chair, he leans back, dipping his hand in his coat pocket to retrieve the bottle. 

Vicodin. He knows without looking. He can shut his eyes and hear them clack against each other. It's his addiction. The one stronger then any bond he thinks he might have. Or want.

It takes away his pain. And he sometimes takes a few more, trying to see if it'll tear away the layers. But it never does. The hurt in his chest, the weighing guilt, the thoughts constantly berating his mind. They don't go away. And it all just ends in restless sleep.

Sometimes he doesn't sleep. He just lays in bed staring at the offwhite ceiling, his good leg bent at the knee, remembering that he _can_ without consequence...Maybe he'll get that ceiling painted.

Self pity is for morons.

Along with apologies, thank yous, and you're welcomes.

Love fits along there somewhere as well. He just doesn't know where to put it. So he ignores it because it hurts. A lot. Vicodin won't help. Love sucks.

If it looks like hurt, feels like hurt...it's a kangaroo.

He raises his hand to eye level, blue staring at the thick veins on his hands. Boy, vampires would love him. His fingers that have been nibbled on before, been touched, have touched, been held, have held.

...He can count the amount of people he's ever loved on that one hand.

_It had been an evening. One of those nights where one could shut their eyes and pretend they're in Paris because of the low tones that were spoken by neighbors, and the serenading music that wafted out of an open apartment window. They had spent the day tearing around on the lacross field, a for fun game that ended up with fits of laughter and snarky remarks._

House was pushing her into the apartment now with his hips, arms clasped around her waist, saying between kisses, nuzzles, and thoughtless murmers. "I have a surprise for you." 

His breath tickles her neck when he speaks. She could still smell the sunshine on his skin. The light smell of a day that you know will weigh heavy in your memory. Already then she knew this was one of those days. The days that in memory were made of nothing but his face, his smell, his words, the bass in his voice that send shivers down her spine.

Her arms were wrapped around him and she let him lead her, not willing to spare any concentration on anything other than him. Between the trail of light kisses on his neck she said: "Surprise?"

"Yes. And it's not just sex. Though it should be." He ushers her into the apartment. Dim lights, soft music coming from their apartment, candlelight, and dinner. Pre-meditated. A well prepared meal of chicken and several other things that deserved to be in a resturant. They're dirty, caked with sweat from the outside. Tanned from the generous sun. But it doesn't matter. To House nothing really matters. Nothing ever mattered. But tonight, yesterday, the day before, the days past and in the future...Stacy would always matter.

His lips capture hers, tongue searching for a taste he was hungry for. Pushing her gently towards dining room table. Eat first, dessert later. But it's hard to pull away.

Only when he pulls away Stacy becomes aware that there's a world around them. She turns to see the room, the candles, takes it all in. "You are amazing. How did you…?" Actually, she doesn't want to know. It's too good and she doesn't want it sullied by the mundane.

Her hand reaches to find his. She doesn't need to look. They always find each other, no matter what. They take the few steps across the room to the table. The food smells so delicious that Stacy can think of only one thing she'd rather taste, so she turns her head to kiss him once more.

He grins against her kiss. Nuzzling his face into her neck, butterfly kisses to soft skin. She smells of fresh shampoo and good times. He kisses her again, successfully distracted by her essence. Her. Already forgetting the plans he'd made. It was so easy to forget when she was there. He's happy because she's happy. And he says so through, "You smell like dirt and I love it." Another deep kiss.

The comment left her stunned for a moment, but the tension dissolves into the kiss. Her fingertips run lightly down his arm, the arm that she had seen him flex and play Lacrosse with earlier, the arm that she knew would hold her when she needed it.

She draws back to look into his eyes. She always felt like there was a strange and secret side to him, just visible in his eyes. A twisty smile: "So you like me dirty?"

Pale eyes, looking down at her. He is amused. Thankful for her cleverness, he responds,"Oh boy. If you want to go there..." He lets his suggestive sentence linger as he reaches in for a kiss. He adds,"I like you any way you are." He stares at her for a moment, watching her eyes watch him.

She's his savior and she knows it. She just has to say the word and Gregory House would lay down his life for her. Fall on his knees and shout, 'Hallelujah!" Praise the Lord for sending him an angel. He wasn't religious, but he knew how to be thankful.

The clock reads 6:04PM. He dozed in front of the board, his forehead pressed against the white. 'yster' from 'hysterical blindness' smeared, no doubt some left on his skin.

Backwards, like his life.

He reaches for his cane which had fallen against the chair and pushes himself up. His leg protests and he offers two Vicodin to placate it.

Hobbling to his desk and pulling open the drawer, his hand plows for a mirror. Score. He can't remember why he has one, but it's sure useful now. He rubs at the black mark with some spit until it goes away.

Somewhere during that short moment, he wishes everything else could be so easy.

Putting away the mirror, he thinks of Cameron.

It'll never be that easy.


End file.
